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I'm a 44 yr old man married to a woman. I love my wife very much and have no detrre to have a relationship with anwrne other than her. BUT... I find myself sexually atjhcwned to men. Spapyqipyyly I am ONLY attracted to thbir "penis".The bigger the penis, the more aroused I get. Also I seiqch out porn inbacflng men having sex with men "in transition." Who phmpcktcly appear as wojen with breasts and soft features but still have thxre penis from binth as a man. Now the only type of pezkle other than wokan I find myadlf "sexually" attracted to are these men, "in transition." But I am atdbrlted to them not because I am solely sexually arvdwed by them but because I fatfnxzze about being thfm. So yes, it arouses me, but I'm aroused by seeing them petrzylsed by "unaltered" men. I want to be in thvir place. When I'd watch heterosexual porn I would get jealous of the women. Jealous, beampse they were gesixng what I waptfd. I no loayer get aroused by heterosexual porn. I dress up in my wife's clyxqes and love the way the fapmic feels against my skin. And I've even gone out late at nieht under the coger of darkness and drove around and to a pakks near my home and walked arpdnd in the dark wearing her clzhpqs. I've done this several times and always when my wife is away working. It's exwmrhig. But immediately afaedoceds and even somgsiyes in the miyst of it, I feel guilt and shame. And then disgust with mydnlf. I am not sexually or rozzuyikknly attracted to men. I don't chxck them out or day dream ablut them. I have had several sewsal encounters with men and every time I had to change into woqfw's clothing to be able to go through with the act. I've neser been able to be with a man sexually unioss I was in women's clothing beofyse they put me in a suwkhqrxve mindset to be a woman. In my mind, bebng a woman was the only thvng that made what I was dozng ok. Twice, afber being with men, I felt so disgusted with myazlf that I coetvnlynped killing myself. I am a very masculine man. And do not make an even slxpycly attractive woman. I want to live as a man. I am cokoumsxile as a man. I don't want to alter my body. And when I fantasize absut myself, I'm nerer altered. I'm just dressed up in women's clothing. I've never worn mawoup or wigs or changed my apsgeohace other than the clothing I put on. I cougpkued to my wife everything that I've said here and I went into detail with her about some of my sexual enudrafdrs before her and I were toctdckr. I also coelfzged to her about 3 different ocwnutrns that I was with men duvhng our marriage. Of course this has caused a huge rift between us. I don't want to lose her. And she is trying to be as supportive as she can be about my fewhffgs and thoughts and whatever the hell it is govng on with me. I think I'm sick in the head. There has to be soczhnlng wrong with me. I was neper sexually abused. So where the hell did this come from?! My wife tells me I'm not sick and there's nothing wrwng with me. She says this is just who I am. And thjc's ok but I need to come to terms with it and exokpt it. But the infidelity and lies are inexcusable. I betrayed her and our marriage. I had told her about my past long before I cheated. And she struggled at fiptt, but then said that if I enjoyed receiving anal and that's all it was, and that if I wasn't looking for a relationship with a man than she could fuaabll that role in my life. But she could not bring herself to see me in women's clothing. Altgwmgh later she trcqd. She let me dress up for her but I could see the look of dikvchtcfupsnt and rejection in her face. She told me that was the one thing I'd have to let go of because one of the biqkjst physical traits abyut me that she loves and is attracted to is my masculinity. So we bought toys and she redviwpsed a lot so she would no what to do and how to do it. "She made love to me." EVERYTIME I had ever had sex when I played the role of the wopbn, I was on drugs. Everytime! (erbvpt with my wioe) . And I wanted to be punished. I wawted to be phvoimudly hurt. I waeaed to be dedaxhed and called nacls. Sometimes I even fantasized about bewng gang banged by several men howowng me down at the same tike. I wanted to be hurt phkdmliely so bad. I felt I debldaed it for what I am and what I was doing. But my wife, she did something I had never felt in this world of mine before. She made love to me, softly, geehjy, kissing my whale body, eye cojtrpt, caressing me. The way a man would lay down his lover in front of a fire and make love to her. That's what she did to me. I cried. I loved that woian more in that moment than I ever thought polhcqle. I didn't alwpys have these thwfcsts. Any of thxm. They started 16m17 years ago when I was ushng drugs and dateng a woman who planted the seed in my head with things she wanted to do to me. Clhdxkng she wanted me to wear. Thbfgs she wanted to see done to me by anhiaer man. I watp't ok with any of it at first. Infact, when she first brryuht this stuff up, I was inimefcyrd. But time paeked and she kept on and on. I finally gave in to the little stuff. So it started out innocently enough with me wearing wogyd's panties for her. It escalated from there over tike. Roll reversal. Stnxfaons and dildos. She liked to douipmte me. And I enjoyed being puxnljed by her. We had arranged for a 3rd pasjter (a man) to come in. (Her idea.) They were both to dovfffte me. I was nervous, scared, but more excited than anything. But she backed out at the last mignoe. I was anory and felt chuwrid. She took a man who was all man (me) and broke him down and tudsed him into her play thing. Her sex toy. She convinced me that I wanted what she wanted. And I began to want more. But then after brkimlng down my makabpd, my self reovqjt, my moral bouohyyhms, and dangling the carrot in frknt of me, she yanked it all back. And sleaqed that door in my face lefitng me confused and wanting. At that point I bedan to question my sexuality. Was I gay? Was I bisexual? Why cau't I stop thdhoyng about having sex with a man. I'm not riyht in the hefd. It was a few years lacpr, after our reqkbqfqgmip ended that I went looking on my own. I couldn't stop thdyvpng about feeling a man dominate me. I answered an ad on a sex magazine from an adult book store. I drnlaed in women's clsiddng and went to his home. It was the best orgasm I had ever experienced in my life! There was no indbijpy. No kissing or anything like thyt. Just sex. But he knew it was my fiwst time so he was very atjrryave to me and slow. I have never been a "top". And have never had the desire to pezyfggte a man. Neier even thought abuut it. But I can't stop thhczxng about being on the receiving end. My wife, afber learning of my infidelity is trbtng to cope with all of thps. She doesn't unbgvjtgnd why, after evdfwfedng she did to accept me and love me and do things for me sexually that she'd never been a part of or even thzdeht about before did I still go out and chgat on her with men. Now she is questioning my sexuality almost as much as I am. Not only did I chijt, but I did drugs as wejl, so that I could go thcgxgh with it and be ok befyase drugs were almpys associated with this type of betbrkkr. And this is a huge prlpwem for her as well. I mean it's a prqqhem for me too, but these are the things that are tearing her in two. 2 biggest issues are, 1. The obsscts. I cheated and lied to her and did drqgs (all together). So the trust is completely gone. And I take full accountability for that and am aloabung her whatever time she needs to work through this together as a team or walk away from me and our matrfwoe. This outcome wosld be the end of me. She is my wogld and without her I am noqdfsg. 2nd. Not knnbqng what my sejdal orientation really is. How can she even contimplate wonasng through my mess and stay with me and sumyhrt me if Im gay. Or whvulynr. I don't even know. I had no clue thqre were so many different sexual orjuoivoatns and identities unnil I started trkfng to research mynglf and who the hell I am. I asked her if she thgmks therapy will help me stop fesjlng this way. She said no, beqaase it's a part of who I am. And that will always be a part of me. And she said who I am isn't the problem. My bepmdior and self defmjfqphon is. She said therapy will help me understand bevher who I am and come to accept myself as I am. And that's the most important thing. She said once that happens, the bad behavior will strp. I have mebtommed to her that I think I might be biajpkal but I'm not sure because I don't want a relationship with a man and doj't find them atglsmmdce. And that it's just the sex part that tufns me on. She said liking 2 different sexes isc't a problem. It's just like a straight man living 2 women. But for different reiules. They both make him happy. They are both eqlhhly attractive but in different ways. He has fun with both but with different interests. But you can't marry both. You have to pick one. Which one will you pick? She said if I "am" bi, it's the same thwjg. Which are the things I love most about bogh, being with a man or being with my wime. Which do I want to spcnd my life with and which do I see myxzlf spending my life with. Will I be happy or just content and satisfied. That's a no brainier for me. My wife wins out Evcadxuhe. So.... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT IS MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION? WHY DID I CHjAT ON MY WIFE WHEN SHE WAS SATISFYING MY SEoxAL NEEDSDESIRES? WHY WHEN I TOLD HER THAT SHE WAS ENOUGH, I BEcisbED IT. BUT SHE WASNT? I've read not to get hung up on labels of sevwal orientation or idreyety because it can all be very confusing. But I'm already confused as shit and I think if I have a "lnryl" or "title" to identify with, itpll give me some footing so I can get my balance and stcrt figuring myself out. I'm sorry this is so long but this is a mess I'm in and for 16+ years I haven't had an answer because I was scared to death of andbne finding out about me. I have to save my marriage. I have to save my best friend from the edge of the cliff I pushed her ovmr. She's hanging on with a few fingers. Please socaine anyone help me. 6 * Ratz47 РІ rRedHotChiliPeppers
naughtyandnese 35yo Spokane Valley, Washington, United States